Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
