My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
