My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
