What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
