Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
