He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
