We won't sleep together?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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