I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
