You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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