he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
