Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
