I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
