I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
