just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
