You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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