My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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