I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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