So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
