I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
