I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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