Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
