oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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