Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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