Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
