fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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