Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
