in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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