She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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