So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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