I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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