It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
