I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
