Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
