Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
