So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
