I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
