I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
