I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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