i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
