I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
