my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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