aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
