naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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