I want to stick my p in your. b.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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