Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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