I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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