Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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