Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
