Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
