Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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