I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
