My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
