it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
