I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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